


These Four Walls- discontinued

by devinss



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Car Accidents, Cell Phones, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Modern Era, Sad, Widowed, very sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-17 14:16:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9328448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devinss/pseuds/devinss
Summary: Clarke and Lexa have been married for a few years, living the suburban life together. One day, Lexa is tragically killed in a car accident. Torn apart, Clarke finds herself keeping Lexa's phone so she can call her voicemail and hear her voice just one more time.Trigger warning





	1. Now the Water's Cold

"Hello, there, is this...um... Clarke?" A hesitant voice was on the other end. Clarke was confused. She had read the name on her phone correctly, right? It was surely her wife's phone who called her, so who on earth could this be?

"Uh... yes, this is Clarke. Who's this? Did you find my wife's phone?" She replied after a moment of confused silence. 

The voice on the other end took a deep breath before continuing. "Well, I'm so sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I did find your wife's phone... but she didn't lose it."

Clarke's heart rose up in her throat. "What do you mean?"

"I found her phone on the ground near a car accident. I just was driving nearby and pulled over when I saw the accident. Your wife was in the accident. I don't know much more, but I wanted to make sure whoever she called the most knew. I'd assume she's headed to the Memorial Hospital on Seventh. I'll take her phone there, so maybe I'll run into you there. Again, I am so sorry to be the one telling you this, but who knows when you would've found out." 

Without saying goodbye, Clarke hung up. Hardly breathing or blinking, she ran to her car and departed for the hospital. It was a heart wrenching 15 minutes alone in a silent car. All of the thoughts were racing through her head.  _What if... she doesn't make it?_

_"_ No, she'll be fine. She's Lexa. She can get through anything," she whispered to herself, as she finally rounded the corner onto Seventh Street. 

Once in the lobby, she approached the reception desk.

"Good afternoon, ma'am. How can I help you today?" The woman sitting there had on a friendly smile and thick glasses. 

Hastily, Clarke answered her. "My... my wife, I think, was brought in here? She was in a car accident. I don't know. Someone just called me from her phone and said she was being taken here. I have-"

"Slow down, sweetie. Can you tell me her name? I'll do everything I can to help you out, okay?"

"Her name is Lexa. Lexa Griffin. Might be under Woods?"

"Alright, let me just look her up here in our system. You said it was today?" The receptionist began typing rapidly. Half of her attention was on the screen, but Clarke still felt this woman was her only ally in this whirlwind. 

"Yes, it was... I don't know exactly when. It's been about a half hour since I received the call, I guess? I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm just so scared."

"Ah, here we go. Lexa Woods-Griffin. You can-" she stopped abruptly. "Would you please wait in that chair right there for a moment? I can have a doctor come get you."

\---------------------

The rest of the day went by like a blur.  _I'm so sorry, Ms. Griffin. Your wife sustained some considerable injuries in the accident. I'm afraid we couldn't save her. She was... dead on arrival._

Clarke felt like a zombie. The doctor led her up to the room where Lexa's body was before they took her away. Silent tears streamed down her face, but no sobs or words came out. Doctors and nurses kept asking her questions, but it was as if Clarke was watching her own life as a movie, just inches behind her own eyes.  _Can we get you anything? Water? Coffee? Do you need to call anyone? Can you verify your relationship with the deceased? It's for insurance purposes. Someone brought in her phone. Would you like to take it with you?_

She was not in control of her body; a force had taken over and was piloting her through the hospital, back into her car, and home. 

Once she passed the threshold to their home, she closed and locked the door. Immediately, the sobs overtook her and she slid, back against the door, to the floor. Tearfully shaking, she could feel her throat getting strained from the raw sound she was making, but she could not stop. She had to tell their families. She had to plan her funeral. She had to move on without the love of her life. 

Lexa, who showed so much strength and courage... Lexa, who taught Clarke the meaning of unconditional love and respect... Lexa, who gave Clarke's life purpose, was gone, and Clarke had to go on.

Still softly weeping, Clarke made her way to the bedroom. The sight of the bed she shared with her wife brought back the body-shaking sobs, and she quickly backed into the bathroom and closed the door. 

Her mind flashed back to a night they had shared early on together...

_"Lex, I'm sad," Clarke whispered into her wife's ear as they lie together on a rainy afternoon. "This weather always bums me out... it feels like it's just going to be an endless grey cloud. Like the sun won't come back."_

_"You know what I do when I'm sad and can't shake it?" Lexa grabbed Clarke's hands in hers._

_"What?"_

_"I take a long, hot shower. I don't listen to any music, I just get in the shower and let it get super steamy. Then, by the time I get out, I feel a little better. Like the steam and hot water cleanse the sadness right out of me."_

_"Well, it's worth a try..."_

_"I'll be right here when you get out if you're still feeling sad," she kissed Clarke on the forehead before adopting a silly voice and saying, "may we meet again!" as if it were a goodbye. Clarke always loved it when Lexa said that._

As she snapped out of the flashback, Clarke realized she had turned the water on already. Steam started to cloud everything around her, matching the haze that had followed her home from the hospital. In her pocket was Lexa's phone. It felt as though it weighed a hundred pounds, like a giant boulder. 

She pulled it out and placed it on the counter. The lock screen lit up. It was a picture of the two of them on their recent vacation. Clarke was kissing Lexa on the cheek as the two of them held up tropical drinks. The tears started welling up again, and Clarke, desperate to hide from them, removed the rest of her clothes and climbed into the shower.

The hot water made her wince at first. In a way, the pain on her skin was the first time she had felt anything since she received the phone call. From that moment, Clarke had felt nothing. She had been a hollow shell, walking and talking, in denial of the hole within her. 

As her skin adjusted to the temperature, she felt herself sitting down on the floor of the shower, letting the water pour over her. It was washing the tears from her face as they fell, and she simply cried, closing her eyes. Her knees were pulled up to her chest, and she rested her face upon them. Time froze as she sat there, washed over by the steaming water.

She stared at the shower wall, numb. Conversations with Lexa flashed through her mind, blending together. The voice on the other end of the phone kept repeating,  _I'm so sorry to be the one telling you this._  Did the woman even know? All she had done was pick up a phone and call someone she didn't know. She didn't know the love shared between her and Lexa. She didn't know the towers they had built together, the towers they had torn down. She could never know the way Lexa looked at her. This woman, who Clarke would likely never talk to again, made a phone call that changed Clarke's life forever. In a strange way, Clarke felt almost angry at this woman, as if she had been the one who had taken her Lexa away. 

Suddenly, Clarke realized the water was no longer hot on her skin. In fact, it was getting cold. She felt whole being become chilled. She was shivering. 

With one hand, she turned off the water, still sitting there on the floor, shivering. It took every single ounce of energy she had to stand up and exit the shower. 

 


	2. I Can't Sleep

_"Clarke. I turn off the lights_ every _night," Lexa smirked as she flipped the switch before climbing back into bed. "It's got to be your turn one of these nights."_

_"Ugh, fine..." Clarke poked Lexa's rib and quickly rolled over, pulling the comforter around her like a shield. "But," she continued from her cocoon, "your side of the bed is closer to the light switch. It only makes sense."_

_"I... I suppose you're right. I guess if it's my responsibility to turn the lights off, you have to keep my spot warm when I get out of bed to do it."_

_"I think I can manage that," replied Clarke as she turned her body to face Lexa. Softly she wrapped her arm around Lexa's waist and nuzzled up in the crook of her neck._

Clarke opened her eyes. She was in bed, alone. The lights were on. It was 4:42 in the morning, and she hadn't slept at all. The bright light above the bed was, at this point in the night, alarmingly bright. But the thought of turning the lights off herself, instead of Lexa, brought her what felt like an impenetrable sadness. 

_That's her job,_  she thought.  _I can't._

Tossing and turning, she found herself on the other side of the bed. Lexa's pillow was still there, right next to her. Hesitantly, Clarke grabbed it and pulled it to her. Closing her eyes, she held the pillow to her face and inhaled. It smelled like Lexa. Her hair, her skin. Clarke's favorite smells. A flood of memories hit her, causing a reservoir of hidden tears to crack open. 

Clarke sobbed into her love's pillow for hours. Eventually, the tears started to dry, and she found herself growing tired, finally. The clock on the bedside table read 8:30 a.m., and Clarke, a pediatric nurse, had to work a 12-hour shift starting at 10. 

She reached for her phone. The thought of going to work was inconceivable at this point. The thought of getting out of their bed sounded like a marathon sprint. 

"Hello, Dr. Weisner's office. How can I help you today?" A familiar voice answered at the office. 

"Hey, Diane. It's Clarke..."

"Morning, sweetie!"

"Hey, um, I can't... I'm not gonna be able to make it in today... I... I'm sorry."

"You sound terrible. Oh, god, are you alright? You're not sick, are you? Did one of the little brats here get you sick?" Diane laughed. 

"Um... no." Clarke debated not telling the truth, but she and Diane were pretty close. "My wife..."

"Oh! Lexa's sick? Well, you go ahead and take care of her! Tawny was looking to pick up a shift today anyway!"

"No, it's...," Clarke swallowed hard. Saying the words would make it real, but she needed it to be real to ever start to deal with it. "She's dead, Diane. There was a car accident yesterday. She's... she's gone." Clarke stopped herself from continuing for fear of babbling or the return of the weeping. 

The other end was quiet for a moment before Diane spoke again. "Clarke, sweetheart, I don't know what to say. Of course you're not coming in. I'll talk to Dr. Weisner, and we'll get everything taken care of for you. I... I'm so, so sorry, honey. If you need anything, you have my number. Please, call me whenever. Okay?"

"Thanks, Diane." Clarke hung up the phone. Her own background showed up. It was another picture of the two of them, happy, smiling. This picture had been taken just weeks before the accident at an office Christmas party. Lexa's arms were casually around Clarke's neck, Clarke's around Lexa's waist. 

What she wouldn't give to go back to that moment. It was a pseudo-candid moment. Diane had walked up to the two of them and commented how cute the two of them were. 

_"Would you like a picture? Stay right there! I'll take one."_

_"No, you don't have to do that," Clarke laughed._

_"Aw, just let her take it, Clarke. If she says we're cute, then we're cute. She obviously has great taste in what's cute." Lexa was referring to Diane's scarf, which she had complimented earlier in the night._

_"Alright, yes. We'd love a picture. Thanks, Diane!"_

_"Now, act like you love each other! One... two..."_

_"It's not an act," Lexa whispered before quickly kissing Clarke on the cheek, causing her to blush just in time for Diane to say, "three!" and take the picture._

_"Aww, isn't that just precious! I'll send it to you." Diane quickly followed through, and within moments, Clarke received the picture._

_Lexa gasped. "That is cute! Send it to me, babe."_

_"Duh. But dibs on making it my background."_

_"What's stopping me from making it mine?"_

_"Lex, that's so cliche for a couple to have the same phone background. It's cheesy."_

_"Let the records show," Lexa said, loud enough for some people around to hear, "that Clarke Elaine Griffin thinks our love is cheesy."_

_Clarke blushed and buried her face into Lexa's shoulder. "Stop it! I didn't say that." She was giggling, a little tipsy from several glasses of wine. Lexa had outpaced her by a glass or two, so she was no better off._

_"Oh, yes!" Lexa grew even louder. "My beautiful wife thinks we're a cliche. Whatever will I do?"_

_"Shut up!" Clarke was almost crying with laughter at her wife. Her coworkers were almost all looking at them, smiling and laughing with them._

_"And now, after disowning our love, she never wants me to talk again. I'm doomed to a life-"_

_Clarke shut her up the best way she knew how. She grabbed Lexa's waist and pulled her in for a kiss._

 

Clarke's phone rang in her hand. Her heart sank, an almost pavlovian response after what the last phone call had entailed. It was her mother. Clarke had texted her to call her back when she had a chance.

"Hello? Mom?"

"Hello! It's been quite a while, Clarke. What's up?" Her mother's stern but warm voice greeted her.

Immediately, Clarke broke down. The all-too-familiar feeling of sobbing was heightened by hearing her mother.

"Clarke? Clarke, honey. What's going on? Can you calm down and please tell me what's happening?"

Finally, Clarke was able to take a deep enough breath and reply. "Mom, she's gone."

"What? Who's where? You're not making sense."

"Lexa, mom! She's dead. She's fucking dead."

"What?! Clarke, what on earth is going on?"

"She was in an accident yesterday." The sobs were coming back again as her mind started racing. "Oh, god. I still have to call her mom. I have to plan her funeral. I can't do this. I can't do any of this. I can't do it, Mommy." 

"Oh my god," was all Abigail said. "I'm coming there right now. Just sit tight, honey. I'm so, so sorry." 

Clarke could hear her mother's voice catch as if she, too, were about to cry before she hung up the phone. Her parents lived about 4 hours away-- _"three if you speed!" her father always claimed_.  

Her phone still in her hand, Clarke checked the screen one more time. It had opened to recent calls after her mother hung up. There, on the list, was Lexa's name, taking up almost the entire screen. She remembered Lexa's phone, which was still in the bathroom. 

Without thinking, Clarke pressed her wife's name on the call screen. She heard the familiar ring tone from the bathroom. Something deep inside Clarke hoped that a familiar, "hello?" would greet her and end all of the pain she was feeling. But that would not be the case.

"Hi, you've reached Lexa Griffin. Sorry I missed your call, but I'll do my best to get back with you if you leave a message!" The voicemail greeting was one Clarke had grown very familiar with. Lexa was not known for answering her phone promptly. In fact, Clarke had the greeting memorized word-for-word. This time, though, instead of mild annoyance, it brought her comfort. Hearing Lexa's voice, while heart-wrenching, calmed her down. 

The voicemail beeped for her to leave a message, but she hung up and called again. 

 


	3. Can't Come Alive

"Clarke, honey? Wake up."

"Lex, just a few more minutes. What time is it?" Clarke sleepily mumbled, eyes closed.

"No, sweetie, it's Mom." Abigail was seated on the bed next to her daughter, rubbing her back as Clarke clutched Lexa's pillow. 

"Oh," Clarke answered, opening her eyes. 

"It's 2 o'clock. I used the spare key to let myself in. You must've fallen back asleep after I called. How are you doing?"

"No, I... just fell asleep. I hadn't slept at all..." She trailed off and hugged the pillow tighter to her body. 

Abigail climbed into the bed to comfort her grieving daughter. Clarke's eyes were bloodshot and puffy, evidence of her near-incessant sobbing. 

"Mom, I still haven't told her family. Her mom doesn't even know yet. Her daughter's been dead for a whole day, and she doesn't know. I... I have to call. I have to. I'm so mad at myself for not calling yet. Oh, god." It felt like every new person she told gripped the knife in her heart and twisted it. Lexa's mom might be the most difficult call yet. 

"Well, sweetie, I can call her. She and I grew pretty close during the last few years. Would you like that? I already have her number and everything." She was running her fingers through Clarke's blond hair while still rubbing her back.

"M-maybe..." Clarke turned over to face her mother. "But I still think I should do it... I have to be the one to tell her."

"Alright, well I'll be right here. I'll even hold your hand through it. And if you find yourself unable to talk, just hand the phone over, okay?"

"Okay." She took a deep breath and scrolled through her contact list, then held the phone up to her ear. Her heart was racing each time the other end rang.

"Hello?" Mrs. Woods' voice greeted her. "Clarke?"

"Yeah, hi, Silvia... I need you to stay calm, okay?"

"Clarke, what are you saying? Stay calm? Why?"

"Yesterday..." she swallowed hard and took a deep breath before continuing. "Yesterday, there was a car accident-"

"What? Was it Lexa? Clarke what happened?"

Tears started to fall down Clarke's face. "Lexa... She... Silvia, I'm so sorry. The accident was really bad. She was on her way home from work-"

She was interrupted by a sound that reminded her of a wounded animal crying. Silvia was in hysterics.

"My baby," she repeated at a very loud volume. Clarke could tell she had either set her phone down or dropped it. Her own tears had begun to fall faster and harder as her heart was ripped open once more at the sound of another's heart breaking. 

Eventually, Silvia calmed down enough to pick up the phone again. 

"Clarke, why didn't you tell me? I went a whole day thinking my baby was alive, and she wasn't. Why couldn't you have called me? Or at least had the hospital call me?"

"Silvia, I'm sorry, I... I've been in shock since it happened I wanted to call. I promise, I was going to call. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"But why? Why didn't you just call me right away? How did you get to find out?" She was still audibly crying, taking deep breaths between phrases.

"Silvia, please. I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. I haven't known what to do for a whole day now. I'm lost and confused, and I'm sorry... I found out yesterday when a woman called me from Lexa's phone. She said she found it on the ground near the accident and called the first person on the recent call list. She told me to go to the hospital, and when I got there, they told me they couldn't save her. Everyone was asking me so many questions, Silvia. So many condolences, so much sympathy, but so many questions. I felt overwhelmed. I could barely drive myself home... and when I got home, I was still in shock. It's like... I died with her. A part of me died when she did, and now I'll never be able to come alive again."

"I think I know the feeling, honey. We can continue this conversation later. Do you mind if I come there? We'll have to plan the... the..."

"Of course not, Silvia. You can stay in the guest room. My mother is here, too."

"I might wait until tomorrow to come. Like you said, I don't know if I'll be able to drive. Alright, I'll see you soon."

Clarke's chin was quivering as she listened to a part of Silvia die, too. "Bye, Silvia."

 

_"Why is your mom so intimidating?" Clarke asked. They had just returned home from a weekend at Lexa's mother's place, still in college._

_"Intimidating? My mother? What the hell are you talking about?" Lexa laughed, pouring herself a glass of orange juice._

_"She's so intimidating! She's so tall and to-the-point."_

_"Didn't you list those as reasons you love me in that one Valentine's card?"_

_Clarke looked down. "That... was different." She laughed._

_"Well, let me just say that yesterday morning while you were in the shower, she and I chatted over coffee in the kitchen. She went on and on about how much she loved you. How you were the first girl I'd ever brought home, and how she was so nervous. But how you came in and gave her that smile that I love so_ _much, and how she fell for you instantly, just like me. I think you're only intimidated because you think if she didn't like you, I'd stop liking you."_

_"What?" Clarke was blushing. "I guess... I guess that makes sense. But don't say that's not a valid concern. You are very similar, so I was, I'll admit, a little worried that anything she didn't like about me, you also wouldn't like about me."_

_"Yeah, I suppose it's 'valid,' or whatever, but you're forgetting one tiny detail." Lexa walked across the kitchen of their apartment to the table where Clarke was sitting._

_"And what's that?"_

_"I love every single thing about you. All of it." She crouched down so she was just below eye level to where Clarke was sitting. "So even if, by some slim chance, there was something my mother didn't like about you, which, as I said, not likely... I would love it. Hell, I might love it even more. You know how much I despise my mom sometimes. I've told you the stories. That awful tattoo. You know I love to piss her off sometimes. I'll take any opportunity to be defiant from her."_

_Clarke giggled and grabbed Lexa's hands. "Fine. Whatever you say, love."_

_"You have to believe me. You know I'm not a liar. So,_ yes _, whatever I say. Speaking of yes... I suppose you'll recall that two weekends ago, we drove down to your parents' place, and this weekend we went to my mom's."_

_"Yes, obviously. Are you saying I'd forget?" Clarke laughed._

_Lexa continued, "well, you might also recall that both trips were my idea. I wanted... to have a few conversations with your parents and my mom."_

_"Conversations? Lexa, what do you... what?" She watched as Lexa dropped a knee to the ground._

_"Well, like I said, my mom went on and on about how much she loved you. That was obviously at least a little important to me because of what I had already talked to your parents about." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, black box. "Both conversations were actually pretty similar. I talked about how much I loved you. How you're in every light I see. How you're the only one I want to see every single day. How I want to see you every single day... forever."  
_

_Clarke's heart was racing. This was it. She had had her suspicions, but nothing came of either weekend away, so she had forgotten about it._

_"Clarke, I need to ask you this. I knew I wanted to ask you this from the moment you first smiled at me. I want to see that smile forever, and I want to be there to always help you smile when you can't. Will you be mine, every day from here until the end?"_

_"Wha- I... Lex... Oh, my god. Yes, of course..." she was nearly speechless. Lexa delicately placed the ring on Clarke's finger._

 

"Sweetie, I made you some toast and eggs," Abigail called from the kitchen.

Clarke opened her eyes. Lexa's pillow was damp, tear-stained in her arms. She had fallen asleep again. This time only for twenty or thirty minutes, as it was barely 3. 

Abigail entered the room with a tray. "Breakfast in bed is a known sadness-suppressant."

At that moment, Clarke realized she hadn't eaten since before the call. Ironically, feeling so hollow had helped her ignore the emptiness in her stomach. She reached for a piece of toast and brought it to her mouth. She took a bite and chewed, but the tears started to come back and the lump in her throat almost prevented her from swallowing.

"I don't... I don't think I'm very hungry right now. I'm sorry. Thanks, Mom. I'll try to eat it in a little bit."


	4. If I Hear Your Voice

Again, Clarke hardly slept. Without Lexa to turn off the lights, she still couldn't bring herself to do it.  The next morning, Silvia showed up to the front door, overnight bag in hand. Never one to leave the house without makeup, she had smudged mascara lines all down her face, as though she spent the entire drive in tears. 

"Hi, Silvia," Clarke answered the door. Immediately, Silvia dropped her bag on the porch and near fell into Clarke's arms, overtaken by sobs. This was the first time the two of them had hugged for longer than a brief second upon greeting or departure. The physical similarities between Silvia and her daughter were uncanny, how Silvia fit in Clarke's arms, just like Lexa. Her mouth was at ear level, just like Lexa's. Their powerful frames were almost identical, but their delicate hands were even closer. Clarke felt the tears returning, syncing with the heaving body in her arms.

"C-Clarke, I don't know what to do with myself." Silvia finally pulled away from the extended embrace. "It's like you said, a part of me... is gone."

"I know. I know." Clarke wiped another tear from her cheek. She immediately repeated the action as she wiped another tear from her mother-in-law's face. "It's been really, really hard."

"Oh, Clarke, I'm so sorry I snapped at you over the phone yesterday. I feel awful. As soon as we hung up, I realized-"

"Stop! Please, don't apologize. I totally understand. If I'm being honest, I keep getting angry at the woman who called me first. I don't even know her name." The two of them laughed, tears still in their eyes. 

"It was just... overwhelming. But I completely understand. I felt like I was in shock after you told me. I'm still getting around to calling everyone else in the family. Every time I say it..."

"It hurts more. Like it becomes real a little more every time."

"Exactly... So please, forgive me for what I said yesterday. I was thinking strictly as a mother of a child, but I remembered that you lost... you lost your wife, too."

Abigail entered the room, and tearful greetings continued. 

The rest of the day was spent decompressing. Finally, Clarke felt like someone understood the hole in her heart. 

 

_'Misery loves company...' the text read. Clarke blushed._

_'Fine,' she texted back. 'Do you remember the address?'_

_'Duh. Be there in 10.'_

_Clarke put her phone down and looked in the nearest mirror. She'd been in bed for the last day-and-a-half after hearing her dad was sick. Abigail had called, just after Clarke had done poorly on her physiology exam. More bad news. As soon as she hung up, she texted the girl she had been talking to for the last two months. Her name was Lexa, and she was a business major with an art history minor. She'd been over for dinner or a movie a few times, but Clarke was surprised she remembered the address._

_Frantic, she ran to the bathroom to fix her hair and brush her teeth. "Well, if she's serious about this... she'll have to get used to seeing me a little... unkempt," she said to herself in the mirror._

_Minutes later, Lexa was at the door. She had a bottle of wine and various chocolates. "Misery, meet company."_

_"You didn't have to bring anything! Oh my gosh!"_

_"Well you didn't have to doll yourself up for me." Lexa greeted her with a kiss on the cheek before walking through the door to the apartment._

_They finished the bottle of wine within the first hour, and the chocolates were gone in another. The two of them talked for hours. Lexa divulged that her own dad had died, just a year before the two of them met._

_"Yeah, it was... it was really hard. On me and my mom. He got really sick, and then like two months later, he was gone. It was a really aggressive illness, and the doctors didn't catch it in time. Part of it was on him. He was so stubborn and never went to the hospital unless it was something really bad."_

_"Shit, I'm so sorry, Lexa. That's terrible."_

_"Like I said, misery loves company. I really haven't had a chance to talk to anyone about it. I wanted to stay strong for my mom, because I could tell she was staying strong for me."_

_"Wow... well, I know it's not the same, but I kinda get it now. It's really scary, especially since everything's out of my hands, you know?"_

_"Oh, I know. When I found out, I tried to change my major to something to do with medicine, but I realized I'd have to be in school for another 45 years probably."_

_Clarke laughed, "hey, I'm a nursing major. I'll be out of school before then... I hope."_

_"Plus, my dad always wanted me to have my own business. He always called me CEO Lexa. Sometimes he'd even call me commander. He joked that's what the C stood for."_

_"But isn't the... isn't the E or the O more important? C is just chief, right?"_

_"That's what I always told him, but he'd just say, 'No, no. CEO stands for Commander Of Everything.'"_

_"That's-"_

_"COE, yeah. He was so funny like that. But after he died, I realized that I wanted to be a CEO to make him proud."_

_"Well, just knowing you for the last few months, I know you've already made him more than proud." She leaned over and brushed Lexa's hair out of her face. The two of them were now on the couch, legs crossed. There was a small gap between them, which Clarke closed._

_"Thanks, Clarke. That actually means a lot coming from you. I sure hope it's true."_

_"It is. Hell, I'm proud of you."_

_"For what? We barely know each other." Lexa laughed._

_"I don't know... maybe that's just my way of saying that I'm... falling for you." She quickly turned away, embarrassed. Without the wine, who knows if those words would have left her mouth._

_Lexa stared at her, and Clarke could feel the piercing gaze on her. When Clarke turned back, Lexa was closer._

_"Damn, that was pretty smooth," Lexa replied. "But, let me say this. Not only am I falling for you, Clarke Griffin, but I think it's safe to say that I've fallen... and I can't get up."_

_"Are you quoting an old people commercial to tell me you love me?"_

_"Love? I didn't say love... yet."_

_Clarke panicked, casting her eyes downward._ Oh, god. What did I do?

_"But yes, that's precisely what I just did. I quoted an old people commercial to tell you that I love you."_

_The blonde looked back up, locking her gaze with Lexa's. The only word that came out was, "wow."_

_"Wow? Well, that's not the ideal response to 'I love you,' but I should ask... good wow or bad wow?"_

_Breathing heavy, Clarke could feel blood rushing to her cheeks. "Good wow. Great wow. Amazing wow. Lexa, I love you."_

_The two of them shared their first real kiss at that moment._

 

"So what do you think, Clarke? Do we want the... the funeral Saturday or Sunday?" The three women were seated around the dining room table. Each of them had a cup of coffee.

"Wh- oh... Um... Saturday?"

"Alright, but don't you want Uncle Calvin to come?" Abigail asked. 

"Oh... he can't... he can't come on Saturday?"

"No, that's what we were just talking about, sweetie. If we have it Saturday, he can't come. If we have it Sunday, Lexa's cousin Anya can't make it."

"I'm sorry, guys. Um... yeah, let's do Saturday. I want Anya to be there. She and Lexa were close, and every time I saw Anya, she was so pleasant."

"They're-they were- like sisters," Silvia stated. 

"Yeah," Clarke went on, "and Uncle Calvin didn't even come to the wedding. Wasn't he away that month?"

"He was. Alright, Saturday it is. I'll call the funeral home again."  
  


* * *

 

  
The rest of the week was spent making more phone calls, setting up the funeral, hardly sleeping, slowly accepting the fact that Lexa was gone. Each night, Clarke continued her secret ritual of calling her late wife's phone to hear her voicemail greeting. 

The night before the funeral, she actually left a voicemail.

"Lexa... oh, Lexa. I know you'll never hear this. I know it. But maybe, somehow, you'll hear this? I don't know. I must be going crazy. To even be calling your phone every night? That's ridiculous. But who cares? Lex... I miss you. I miss you so, so much. Every breath I take feels like it's not a full breath. Every time I sleep, I have dreams about you, and then I wake up... and you're still gone. God, this is a nightmare, Lexa.

Um.. We're gonna bury you tomorrow. I'm not ready. You know how much I hate funerals. I didn't expect to have to do this so soon. I always secretly hoped I'd die first so I wouldn't have to plan yours. God, that was such a selfish thing to think, wasn't it? Now, here I am, planning it. Your mom's been here all week. She's broken, too. We all are. You're everything to me... you always will be. Lex, this is so hard. I can't do this. It should've been me. You'd be so much stronger. I couldn't even deal with my dad being sick, and you made it through losing yours. You'd be so much better at all of this than me..." She took a deep breath.

"And it's tomorrow. After tomorrow, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I haven't been to work in a week. I have to go back eventually, or else I'll probably lose my job. Dr. Weisner has been really great about it, but it's still weird. It's gonna be so weird when I go back, too. Everyone's gonna be all, 'oh, I'm so sorry!'... I've heard that so much. Everyone's sorry. Of course they are. Hell, I'd say that to someone. But hearing it over and over. Sure, they're sorry, but what's sorry ever done? Fucking nothing. Nothing will bring you back. Nothing will make this go away. 

I wish you were here. You'd help me through this, just like you always did. But if you were here, I wouldn't even have to go through it. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you, Lexa. And here I am, leaving you a voicemail as if you're gonna hear it. It just feel so nice to hear your voice, though. I don't want to make this a habit, but I love it. And... I love you, Lex. I'll always love you. But I should go... it's late and the funeral's in the morning. I wish you were here to turn off the lights. God, how long can these things even-"

She was cut off by a computerized voice telling her that her time was up for this voice message. She slid Lexa's phone back under the pillow, where she'd kept it. The light above the bed was on, burning bright. The funeral was less than 10 hours away, and Clarke was nowhere near ready.


	5. Won't Say Goodbye

Clarke alternated between staring at the glowing alarm clock on the bedside table and staring at her phone. The time went by at an excessively slow rate. Every hour was an hour closer to the funeral. Funerals were so symbolic. Too symbolic for her, at this moment. At the end of the funeral, Lexa's body would be in the ground for good. Clarke would have to go to the cemetery to visit her own wife, just a few years after even marrying her. 

And endless wave of thoughts swept over her, like the room was pulling her under. Although unmoving in her bed, she felt as though she were fighting against a current. One prevalent thought that kept replaying in her mind was one that had presented itself to her a few times throughout her life. 

_'Just end it and be with her,'_ a voice in her head kept telling her. This voice wasn't hers (at least it didn't feel like it), nor was it anyone else's. It was something else entirely. Neither cold nor welcoming, it was simply presenting itself as an option, and in Clarke's state, that option almost seemed inviting. ' _It would be easy. All of it would just be over. No more funeral planning, no more tears. Just silence. Just nothing. A relief. A release.'_

She rolled over and looked at her phone again, partially to distract herself from the dark thoughts, and also to confirm she had more time to think them. Abigail must have turned the lights off at some point, when Clarke was asleep for the 20 minutes maximum she'd been getting. It was dark, it was quiet. There were just over 5 more hours until the funeral was supposed to start, and all she could do was stare at the ceiling. 

If it were possible to feel everything and nothing all at once, that would be exactly what she was feeling. There was panic, fear, loss, sorrow, all wrapped up in a thick layer of emptiness. She wasn't sure which was the most uncomfortable. Would it be better to feel nothing? Or would feeling it all help her heal? Did she even want to heal? Was getting  _better_ , whatever that may end up being, even possible for her?

In a way, Clarke's visions of the future, once bright with the light of Lexa's love, was cloudy, and she felt painful ropes pulling her back into her memories. Looking forward was dark and almost pointless, but looking back, she could relive her beautiful memories with the one person who ever made her feel alive. Moving on and moving forward didn't even sound like a life for her. More silent tears fell as she pulled Lexa's pillow to her face to grasp at the memories behind her. It barely smelled like her anymore, but it was the closest she'd ever get. 

 

_"Guess what." Lexa was trying to balance a fork on the back of her hand, standing it prong-side up._

_"What? Wait what are you even doing?" Clarke laughed, reaching for another piece of toast on the table between them._

_"Um, obviously I'm testing my balance skills."_

_"You're so weird..."_

_"And how do you feel about marrying a certified weirdo?"_

_"Better than I've ever felt about anything." She smiled. "What did you want me to guess? You got me all excited."_

_"Oh? Excited? Should we make our way back to the bedroom and continue this breakfast conversation later?"_

_"Jesus, Lexa, not like that! Just tell me!"_

_"Fine, fine. Okay. Well are you gonna guess?"_

_"Lexa," Clarke replied sternly._

_"Fine! You're no fun today. Did you sleep enough?"_

_"So are you going to tell me today? Or should I just pick up a shift at work, and then maybe by next Friday you'll be ready to tell me?"_

_Lexa realized her wife's annoyance was growing. "Alright. Sorry, babe. Okay, okay, okay. So you know how our mattress is godawful?"_

_"Yes... it has been for a while now..."_

_"Well, as you may recall, I recently got a nice little bonus check. Well, as a treat to you--and to me--I got in contact with a mattress store."_

_"You got us a new mattress?"_

_"See there's the fun part. It's more than just a mattress. They had a Lesbian Special going on!"_

_"What? A Lesbian Special?" She looked at her wife incredulously._

_"Kidding! Oh my god, Clarke. Lighten up! No, but they did have a special going on. We're not just getting a new mattress. We're getting a king bed. I've already picked up new sheets, new pillows, the bed-frame and_ _mattress are coming this afternoon. We're gonna sleep like queens in our king, babe."_

_"New... new everything?"  Clarke was in shock. "What about all the memories we've had in this bed? We got it for our first apartment."_

_"I thought you'd be happy," Lexa retorted. "We've had that bed forever. It's time! We have time! We can make so many more memories in the new bed."_

_Clarke looked up from her coffee and saw Lexa making eyes at her. For the first time all morning, she cracked a huge smile and burst out with laughter._

_"Plus, darling," Lexa went on, "the new bed isn't coming for another couple hours... you know, if we wanted to make more memories in the old bed."_

_The grin stayed on Clarke's face. "I have one request."_

_"Taking charge again, are we?" Lexa smirked._

_"I wasn't talking about that... we'll get to that in a minute. I was wondering if we could maybe keep the old pillows? This is gonna sound so weird, but... I'm fine getting rid of the sheets, the mattress, even the bed-frame. But one of my favorite feelings in the world is rolling over in the morning after you've left for work and... like I said, so weird... I just like to smell your pillow. It smells just like you."_

_"Eh, that's not that weird... Sure, I suppose we can keep the pillows. Should I return the new ones?"_

_"No, keep them. I mean, who's ever had too many pillows?"_

_"You didn't grow up with Silvia Woods as your mother. That woman and her pillows. I had seven on my bed as a kid. Seven."_

_"Okay, so six is the limit then?" Clarke had cleaned up the breakfast table and was walking toward the hallway to the bedroom._

_"Yeah, maybe six and a half." Lexa didn't notice Clarke leaving the kitchen, as she had begun to balance the knife on her hand now._

_"So am I going to make these final memories in the bed by myself? Fine!" Clarke sauntered off around the corner. She heard a loud, metallic clang on the ground before feeling Lexa's hands around her waist as she entered the bedroom._

 

Abigail entered the room, turning the light back on. "Morning, honey. Are you feeling ready?"

"Mom, do I have to go?"

"To your own wife's funeral? Yes, you have to go."

"That's what I mean, though. If her wife doesn't show up to her funeral, everyone will know I'm too torn up. We're... we were in love. Anyone could see that. If I weren't there, it'd be fine."

"That's not how it works. You have to go, Clarke. It's all about honoring her life."

"I can do that here... Why do I have to go to the funeral home to do it?"

"Clarke, I understand how difficult this is. But you have to go. You know you have to go."

Clarke closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. "Yeah, I know. What time are we leaving?"

"10:30. It's 9 right now."

"Okay," she said, sitting up. Abigail started to leave the room. "Mom?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"Thanks for being here... I'm sure it's not fun to drop everything to console your kid for a whole week."

"Clarke Elaine Griffin, don't you dare. I'd have cut off my arm to get here, if it came to it. I want to be here. You stayed so strong for me when dad was sick."

"Well, that's because of Lexa. She helped me through everything."

"And now, I'm helping you through this. Clarke, you're so loved. Everyone wants to see you today, okay? Go ahead and get ready, and we'll head out."

"I don't want to say goodbye, mom. I can't do it. This is too real."

"It doesn't have to be a goodbye. I think that's the thing people forget about funerals. It's all just a big ceremony for the beginning of goodbye. You don't ever have to say goodbye, sweetheart. Lexa will  _always_ be a part of you. She's alive in you. She's alive in Silvia. Hell, she's alive in everyone she knew because that's the type of person she was."

Clarke could barely speak, overwhelmed by her mother's words. "Okay. Thanks, mommy."


	6. Lost All Sense of Pride

Most of the funeral itself was like a blur. Walking in, Clarke's eyes had to adjust to a room full of people in all-black. So many eyes were on her. She could tell they were, and had been, talking about her. It took all she had not to scream,  _'what the fuck are you all looking at? Just go home!'_ , despite how badly she wanted to. She had to remind herself that the spouse of the deceased was always a topic of conversations at funerals, and it was almost always out of sympathy. 

There were endless greetings and _'I_ _'m sorry_ _'_ s and  _'my condolences, sweetie'_ s. Some of Lexa's friends and family stood up to say a few words about her. Shockingly, Clarke hardly shed a single tear throughout the entire event. 

Lexa's cousin, Anya, was the last to speak. Her sharp features and deep-set eyes were emphasized by her dark clothing as quiet tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Growing up, Lexa was everything you could want in a younger cousin. She was cool, she was funny, she was fun to play with. I remember we used to have sword fights with random sticks we'd find in the forest... She beat me almost every time, but I thought it was the coolest thing. There was one time we decided to be 'blood sisters,' but now that I look back, it was a great way to get a bloodborne disease or something. But we thought it would make us closer. It's funny because we were already related by blood, but we thought we should be closer.

It wasn't just childhood when Lexa was important to me. She was like my sister, always there for me when I needed her. Through breakups, sickness, good times... When I found out she died, my first instinct was to call Lexa. That was always my first instinct when anything in my life went wrong. I'd just call Lexa. If you knew her, though, you know she'd hardly answer. I've spent so much of my life listening to her voicemail greeting, I think I have it memorized." She stopped and laughed.

Meanwhile, though, Clarke's first tears of the day began to fall. 

Anya went on, "it's weird... I got up to come here this morning, and again my first instinct was to call Lexa because I was upset. She was always the type of person you could depend on, because even when she didn't answer for hours at a time, she'd always call me back. Always. When I was in college and she was still in high school, she  snuck out of her house for a weekend because a dumb guy broke my heart... Sorry, Aunt Silvia. In my defense, I didn't ask her to come. She just showed up. That's who she was. Rarely did you have to ask Lexa for something; she just knew. I think that's what I'll miss the most about her. It was so amazing to just have someone to always count on. I loved her, so much. I'll always love her, and it breaks my heart to know that all of us here in this room have to go on without her."

Instead of sitting back down by her family, Anya came to sit next to Clarke for the remainder of the service. She reached over and grabbed Clarke's hand.

At the end, Clarke could finally express her gratitude.

"Hey, Anya," she said as everyone began to leave the room, "thank you for saying those things about her. You knew her before I did, and you probably even knew her better than I did and-"

"Differently. Not better. I knew her in a different way than you did."

"I suppose. Either way, thank you. It means so much for me to get a chance to remember how much she meant to everyone. I can't help but feel like I've been selfish for the past few days. I've just been so worried about how  _I_ was feeling, and I almost forgot the impact in other people's lives she was able to make..."

"I spoke from the heart. You know as well as I do the kind of person Lexa was. She's irreplaceable, and I know there will always be a Lexa-shaped hole in my heart. No one will be able to fill it, but I kind of like it..."

"What do you mean you like it?" Clarke was taken aback.

"I mean, you know how after a breakup, it feels like you'll miss that person forever? And then when you find someone new, it's like they're able to make you forget about the other person. With someone like Lexa, it's not something anyone else will ever be for me. That way, I can fill the hole myself by keeping her memory alive."

"I hadn't thought of it that way."

"I really hadn't either until I saw you walk in. I saw how broken you are, it was almost like I was looking in a mirror. Then I realized, we may not be missing the same thing-you're missing your wife, I'm missing my cousin-but we're missing the same exact person for, I'm sure, a lot of the same reasons. I saw my Aunt Silvia walk in and realized she was missing Lexa, too. She was a huge part of all of us. Not the same part for each, but the same Lexa."

"Wow..." Carke was nearly in tears. "I've felt really alone. Really, really alone. Like... like no one understood what I was feeling. But now that you've put it like that, I'm starting to realize how lucky I am to even be able to miss her the way I do because no one else does. I don't understand exactly how you're feeling either, but I hope you'll let me try to be there for you... I know I'll never be like Lexa, but I don't want you to feel like you don't have anyone anymore. If you ever get the urge to call her, you can call me. I'll probably be a hell of a lot better at answering."

The two of them laughed as more tears fell, a mix of happy and sad. 

"Thanks, Clarke. The same goes for you. Like I said, I want to always keep Lexa's memory alive. I love telling stories about her, as I'm sure you gathered today. I'd love to hear some of yours, too."

"I'd... love that. If I'm being honest, I always wanted to get to know you better, Anya! Lexa always said so many wonderful things about you, and I hoped we'd get closer over the years. It's nice to know that that can still happen."

Anya pulled Clarke in for a tight embrace. "Well, shall we?"

 

_"Babe, you're always talking about Anya."_

_"Yeah, she's my cousin. She's really cool. I want you to meet her!" Lexa was putting clothes away in the closet as Clarke was folding more._

_"I'm just worried I'm not cool enough."_

_"She'll love you!"_

_"No, cool enough... for you."_

_"Are you, my_ _fiancée, jealous of my cousin?" She turned to face Clarke._

_"No! I mean, yeah... I'm jealous of the way you make her sound. She sounds like a total badass, and I'm just... Clarke."_

_"Stop right there. Did you just say, 'just' Clarke?"_

_"Yeah, I mean... I'm just-"_

_"You're not 'just' anything. Except maybe a little 'just' insecure. You're everything. And more! I've never met someone as incredible as you, and I don't want you to ever, ever doubt that, okay?"_

_"Lex, you don't have to say that."_

_"I know. I don't have to say anything, and I don't say anything I don't mean. You know that."_

_"I guess..."_

_"So, please don't you ever call yourself 'just' anything." She paused before adding,  "'just' will never do you... justice." She winked._

_"Oh, my god, that was terrible. Did you seriously just make that joke?" Clarke buried her face in a pile of folded sweaters and laughed._

_"I did. What are you gonna do about it? Nothing, you're going to 'just' laugh at my dumb joke. I fucking love that about you, Clarke. How you can always laugh, even when the world is crashing down around you. I admire that."_

 

The ride to the cemetery felt like it took hours. The procession was only a few cars, close family and dear friends of the deceased, but the cemetery chosen was a little bit outside of town. A few more words were said before Lexa's body was lowered into the ground. It was at that point when the full weight of the day hit Clarke, and she began openly weeping. Her cries were strained; she was nearly doubled-over as Abigail tried to console her. 

Clarke didn't even care. She had done her best to save face all day long, and she couldn't hold anything back any longer. Anya came over to the other side, and she and Abigail practically pulled Clarke to Abigail's car. 

Abigail escorted her to the front door. She fell on the couch as she entered her home and finally slept for several hours, still wearing a black dress and her shoes.

* * *

 

She opened her eyes, finally, and sat up. Silvia had left with her family, so it was just Clarke and Abigail in the Woods-Griffin home. 

"Mom?" She called, disoriented from the unusually large amount of sleep she had just gotten. 

"I'm just finishing up some laundry. I wanted to tidy up a bit around here while you were asleep... I know those sorts of things can be really overwhelming, so I wanted to help out a little," her mother answered from the laundry room. As Clarke passed her bedroom, she noticed the sheets and pillowcases were all stripped.

"Mom?! What did you do?" She was furious. 

"I just told you, I did some laun-"

"You washed her pillow!" Angry tears filled Clarke's eyes as she entered the laundry room, breathing heavily.

"Yeah, I washed your pillowcases. What's... what's the issue here, sweetie?"

"You washed her fucking pillow! You took her from me and you didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye."

"Clarke, what are you saying? I don't understand."

"That pillow was all I had to remember her by! It smelled like her, Mom. Now it's gonna smell like Tide! How could you?"

"I didn't know, honey. I'm sorry! What can I do to make it better, Clarke?" Abigail was growing concerned.

"Get out. Just go, Mom. I don't want you here anymore."

"Clarke, you don't mean that. You're just upset. When I get the sheets back on your bed, you should go back to sleep. You haven't-"

"No, I want you gone."

"I told your father I'd be here for another few days, honey. If you want, I can just go to the guest room and watch some TV and get out of your way for a little bit."

"Just... please, go home." Clarke turned away and walked out of the room toward her own. She had never treated her mother like that, and everything inside her was screaming for her to apologize, but a wave of stubborn anger washed over her once more. Anger was the first feeling that had overtaken her since she'd felt so empty, and in a way, she didn't want to let go of this emotion yet. 

"Fine, Clarke. Whatever..." Abigail pushed past her in the hallway and went into the guest room to collect her things, tears in her eyes. Ten minutes later, she was gone. The house was empty, quiet. 

 _Damn it,_ Clarke thought.  _What did I do?_

She climbed in bed and called Lexa's phone, knowing she had to call her mother in the morning to actually apologize. 


	7. Take Me Under

Lexa's phone rang, waking Clarke with a start. It was a random number that wasn't saved in her contacts, but Clarke decided to pick up anyway.

"Hello?" She answered hesitantly, wondering who could be calling her dead wife's number. 

"Good morning, is this Mrs. Lexa Woods-Griffin?"

"No, this is her wife... She... Lexa-"

"Oh, okay! Wonderful. Well, this is your local Verizon store calling about upgrading her cellular device. Is she available?"

"That's what I was... " She paused. This was yet another person she had to tell, but she was almost numb to the words by this point. "No, she's not. Unfortunately, my wife recently passed away."

"Oh, my. My sincerest condolences, ma'am. Well, I suppose keeping this phone number and line open are no longer necessary. I'll just go ahead and close that account and deactivate it, and if you wouldn't mind coming in soon, we can finalize all of the details." The woman from the store seemed very thrown off. Obviously she wasn't expecting this sort of news.

"No!"

"You can't come in to the store soon? That's okay, it doesn't need to happen soon, just as soon as you can!"

"Not... no, I meant that I don't want you to deactivate the number."

"You... don't want us to deactivate her number?" Confusion dripped from the woman's mouth through the phone.

"Yeah, can you... keep it activated please?" Clarke could hardly believe the words that were leaving her mouth. There was no way she was doing this. 

"But... someone will have to pay the bill, and if no one's using it-"

"Um..." Clarke interrupted her, trying to fashion an excuse. "I'll be using it. I just have a crappy little no-contract phone..."

"O-okay, then. Would you like to... to transfer your information onto her account?"

"Well, no that's okay. I'll be available to stop by the store on Tuesday if you need."

"Sure, that sounds wonderful. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. My name is Katrina, if you need anything!"

"Thank you, Katrina. I guess I'll be by on Tuesday."

"Have a nice day!"

"You... you, too." She hung up. 

 _Jesus, lying to a phone company?_ Clarke thought, squeezing her eyes shut.  _Just to keep calling her voicemail? What's wrong with me..._

She put Lexa's phone back down and picked up her own. Her heart sank as she recalled how she treated her own mother the night before. It wasn't long before Abigail answered. 

"Yes?" A stern voice greeted her. Clarke could tell that Abigail was hurt, but the fact that she answered was a good sign.

"Mom... Look, I wanted to apologize," she began. "I don't expect you to forgive me. I'd be mad at me, too. I'd probably hate me... and I think I already do."

"Clarke, I won't lie to you. The way you treated me last night was awful and unfair..."

"I know, Mom, and I'm so-"

"I wasn't finished," Abigail interrupted her. "It was awful and unfair. It was uncalled for and out of nowhere, or at least that's how it felt. But when I was driving home, I started to put myself in your shoes. As your mother, I've been there for a lot of hard times in your life, and I've seen you deal with them with poise and grace. I told you, your strength was what got me through your dad's sickness."

"Yeah, and I told you that Lexa was the one who helped  _me_."

"And that's what I'm getting to. I remember you lashing out at me like that only one other time. Do you remember when it was?"

Clarke tried to think. "Um, I don't think so."

"It was when Polly died. You were strong for a few days, but as soon as she was  _gone_ gone, you yelled at me to leave you alone and slammed your bedroom door."

A rush of memories flooded back into Clarke's mind. "Oh, my god. Yeah... I do remember that. I was so upset. And then you..."

"I knocked on your door twenty minutes later, and we talked about it. I told you that sometimes dogs die, and that it's important to focus on the good memories. You talked to me about how and why you were upset, and by the end of the night, you were okay... Obviously, you were still upset about it, but you had calmed down enough to accept what happened and start to work on getting over it."

"Right, wow..."

"And were you completely over it? Of course not. Do you still miss Polly?"

"Of course, she was the best dog."

"Exactly... That's the thing. You might still miss her, but you got over it as best you could. I think that's how grief works, but no one ever talks about it. Either you're grieving or you're okay, but everyone forgets about the middle ground. That place where you're trying. I think that's the bravest place anyone can be."

"It's so hard, Mom. Everything makes me think of Lexa, but nothing brings her back." Clarke was shedding her first tears of the day. They were soft, unsteady. 

"I know, baby, and that's okay. The fact that you know nothing will bring her back is a good step toward being okay. You also need to remember this: no one expects you to be fully okay. Especially not any time soon."

"Are you sure? I'm just... This has really broken me. But the world just keeps going on, and I know I have to catch back up eventually, but that's so scary. I just wish the world could stop with me."

"I'm more than sure. Clarke, I think you should talk to a grief counselor or something like that. You've always been the type of person who needs to talk through their problems, so this could be really good for you. But it's just a suggestion, okay, sweetie? You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Her mother's suggestion, while somewhat alarming, was sincere, so Clarke knew she had to think about it seriously before shooting it down.

"I'll... I'll definitely consider it, Mom." There was a noticeable pause, so Clarke decided to break the silence. "I just wanted to call to apologize. I shouldn't have said any of that, and I really didn't even mean it. I've just been so overwhelmed by everything lately. Normally, I'd have Lexa to lean on during this time, but the fact that she's gone is why I'm like this... She was just such a good listener, and I always felt like she was validating my feelings, which was so nice, Mom."

"Exactly. And that's why I want you to talk to a counselor or a therapist. I think they could really help you out. Their whole job is to listen to you! And they're familiar with the cycle of grief."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Clarke, please, at least think about it, okay?"

"I will, I promise. Again, I'm so sorry about everything, Mom. Please forgive me."

"Oh, honey, I forgave you right when you said it. I won't say it didn't hurt, but I understand that you're not yourself right now... I'll let you go. Thanks for calling, honey. Please, call me any time. I'm just a couple hours away if you need  _anything_. Okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you, too. Bye-bye!" Abigail hung up, leaving Clarke simultaneously relieved and refreshed. However, there was a huge feeling of uncertainty.

 _A therapist? That's too much..._ she thought.  _People would think I'm like, crazy or something. I can do this by myself..._

"Right?" she said aloud. 

 

_Lexa and Clarke were standing in line for an amusement park ride. It had been an hour so far, and they were finally close enough to see the end of the queue._

_"I'm so scared!" Clarke giggled. "I love these rides once I'm on them, but the waiting's the worst part."_

_"I hate them..." Lexa finally admitted. "They're terrifying; like, what would happen if your seatbelt or your harness broke?"_

_"Babe, they test these rides literally_ _sixty-thousand times per day. There's too much legal troubles for them if they didn't."_

_"Literally? Literally sixty-thousand?" Lexa jokingly stared at Clarke._

_"Yes, literally! You saw it when we walked in. This ride has been tested every single day... so many times! I promise you, we'll be okay."_

_"You promise? If I die, I'm coming back and I'm haunting your ass."_

_Clarke started laughing loud enough for the people near them in line to look in their direction. "I promise," she inserted between laughs. "And please, haunt me. Follow me around forever..."_

_"Forever? That's a pretty long time," Lexa replied, one eyebrow raised. "But I suppose I could manage being around you forever."_

_"Yeah, I_ guess _that wouldn't be terrible..." Clarke, elbow on the railing, rested her head on her left hand to flaunt her engagement ring. "...to have you near me for the rest of time."_

_"Well, we won't even get the chance to get married if I fucking die on this metal thing..."_

_"Babe, it's fine! My goodness. I can guarantee we'll both be fine."_

_"I hope so. Especially since you practically forced me to get in line with you. This thing is like 23,000 feet tall." Lexa's gaze was fixed on the highest drop of the whole ride._

_"Lexa, I'm serious. And after this ride, you don't have to get on another one with me... if you don't want. But you promised you'd ride one with me today."_

_"Yeah, and I've ridden like 6 of them with you!"_

_"But those were all little ones! This is the one I've wanted to go on all day."  
_

_"And every time we walked by it, I shuddered in fear!"  
_

_"Yeah, and I laughed every time."_

_"I know," Lexa replied, jokingly glaring at Clarke._

_"This is the one! You didn't_ have _to go on those other rides with me. I wanted to ride this one with you! I've been looking forward to this ride since they opened, and there's no one I'd rather share a seat with than you, Lex."_

_"If I piss myself or puke all over you, it's on you," Lexa answered, as they passed through the turnstile to finally board the ride._

_\-----_

_"Holy SHIT!" Clarke screamed as they left the exit of the coaster. "_ _That was amazing."_

_Lexa, totally shaken up, replied, "it was... something."_

_"Babe, you can't say you didn't at least like it a little. And I promise you never have to ride another one ever if you don't want to."_

_"I mean, I liked being next to you and holding your hand through the whole ride..."  
_

_Clarke remembered the throbbing pain in her left hand from how tightly her fiancée had gripped it for the duration of the ride. "I liked that, too."_

_"But that was intense, Clarke."_

_"Really?_ THE  _Lexa found a silly little ride too intense?"_

_"When did I say too intense? I just said it was intense," Lexa replied as she diverted her eyes._

_"Okay, big, strong lady. You nailed it." She kissed Lexa on the cheek. Lexa then turned her head to return the kiss._

_"Well, I did what you wanted to do. Now you have to do what I want to do."_

_"Lex, the park closes in a half hour."_

_"It's not in the park..."_

_"What is it?" Clarke asked._

_"I'll tell you in the car."_

_"Tell me now!"_

_"Okay... Clarke, let's not go right back home. Let's just drive. I want to see the Grand Canyon or something."_

_"But that's so far! I mean, it sounds fun, but that's so far. How much money would it cost us?"_

_"Don't even worry about it. It's just gas money, really. We can sleep in the car or a cheap motel or something. I wanna travel with you, babe. We've only ever really gone to our parents' houses. Let's, like, go somewhere." Lexa was beaming._

_A huge grin crept its way across Clarke's face. "Why the hell not? Let's go."_

 

Totally alone in the home she had, for years, shared with her wife, Clarke felt purposeless. She called her work.

"Hello? You've reached Dr. Weisner's office." An unfamiliar voice greeted her on the other end. Clarke had worked with Dr. Weisner long enough to know all of his employees, so this must be a new hire.

"Hey, this is Clarke Griffin... I work there... Who is this?"

"This is Kelly! O-M-G!  _The_ Clarke? I've heard so much about you."

"You... have?" Clarke was confused. Where was Diane, or another staff member Clarke was familiar with.

"Yes! Everyone here just  _loves_ you!"

"Right. Well, I'm just wondering if I'm on the schedule at all this week, or if I could be."

"Oh, well let me just take a look for a second." The young girl was quiet for a brief moment. "Ah, well you're not for this week, or for next week. And I'd have to talk to Dr. W. if you wanted to get a shift. Sorry, I'm brand new after Cherise left."

"Oh, what happened to Cherise? Is she alright?" Clarke asked, nervous. After what had happened to her wife, she didn't doubt something could happen to anyone she cared about, an almost paranoid thought.

"She retired! We had her retirement party yesterday. She might have mentioned it here and there..."

"Right, she is almost 70. Well, do you know if I could talk to Dr. Weisner?" 

"He's busy right now, but I can have him call you. Can I get your number?"

"It should be in the system, thanks. Bye." Clarke hung up. She resolved to try again later, preferably when Diane or someone else was at the desk. 

* * *

"Hi, you've reached Lexa Griffin. Sorry I missed your call, but I'll do my best to get back with you if you leave a message!" Clarke listened to her wife's voice three or four times before she left another message.

"It's me again," she began, embarrassed. "I don't know why I keep doing this... My mom suggested I see a counselor or a therapist or something, but I'm good just calling your voicemail for now. I know I should talk to someone like that, but maybe I just need to say these things out loud, you know? I don't  _need_ someone to respond, I just need somebody... to listen. And I know no one is actually there to listen to this, but... but...it just feels better to say all of these things, Lex. Yeah, I wish you could be here to listen and reply, and for you to talk through this with me, but I know that can't happen. And for now, this is good enough.

We actually buried you yesterday. I thought I would be okay, walking through the cemetery. I felt fine; I did. But when they put you in the ground..." She choked up. "When they put you down there... Lexa, I couldn't do it. I started sobbing. It was so embarrassing... There were other people at the cemetery, and I'm sure they were staring. But I couldn't help it. I held it in all day long. Ugh, you missed it, babe. Anya said the nicest things about you. You were always so right about her... She's so cool and so... so articulate. Honestly, if I'm ever able to get through this, part of it will be because of Anya and her words.

Oh, my god, Lex. After the funeral and the burial... I was fucked up. This whole thing's fucked me up, Lexa... I yelled at my mom. My own mom. I told her to leave! I told her to her leave my- ...our house. And she did. Now I'm by myself. Forever. I'm sure some people might think I'll move on and find someone else, but there is no one else. There's only one Lexa Woods. Only one Lexa Griffin. And now she's gone... And here I am, leaving her voicemails. Lex, I lied to Verizon today. I lied to fucking Verizon today and told them I'm using your phone to call people. But they were gonna turn your phone off and deactivate your number! I'm not ready yet... I already had to go to your funeral; I need time. I'm barely realizing that you're actually... gone."

She hung up before she resumed crying. She didn't want to leave a sob-filled voicemail, even though there was no one to listen.


End file.
